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[Aug. 7th, 2004|12:59 am] |
Well. It happened just like you told them it would. You know your life better than they do.
They told you that things would work out. You're pretty, and smart, and guys would be crazy not to want you...
but they never do. want you. they want to fuck you...but they never want to stick around for you. be there with you. and that sucks. it really does.
things seemed like they were going to be great with Nick. they really did seem good. i mean, he was there, and stuch around and told you he wanted to see you again that night...and when you called he didn't answer. but, there were reasons that you could rationalize.
when you talked to him later, he told you that everything was fine. and he convinced you that was true.
liar. goddamn liar.
he hasn't called you back, or emailed you, or txted you...or ANYTHING since he left.
Asshole.
You told them that this would happen...and they didn't believe you.
And now it has....and you're the winner again.
Congratu-fucking-lations. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 23rd, 2004|09:40 pm] |
And it didn't even seem weird. At least not to me...
He tasted like cigarettes and liquor. And for some reason, that's a sexy taste. But then maybe it wasn't the taste of him so much as it was him. Him. He's supposed to be off limits, but suddenly he's not. And that's a good thing. We both think so. I think, anyway. And at this point. I don't care.
She can't just lay claim to whomever she wants. Just cause she knew him first. Liked him first. Does that automatically mean my feelings don't matter? I liked Shawn, and she went out with him, and the night she was supposed to stay with me, she went to his house even after she KNEW it upset me. So what? So what if she gets upset. I like him. I"ve always liked him, and now I find out he likes me back. HAS liked me back, and I'm just supposed to ignore it because she got there first? Fuck that. I'm not going to throw away a potentially great thing just to spare her feelings. She wouldn't do ir for me. Besides, it would bother her purely on a superficial leve. He's just good looking to her. I know there wasn't a lot in common. He told me so.
And it's too delicate of a situation that we're in for him to just fuck around with my feelings like that. IF he'd just wanted action, he could have gotten it somewhere else. I don't think he's stupid enough to just use me like that. I really want to give him credit for being a valid human being, but clearly I've been scarred in the past, and I'm just not ready to completely trust him and have him shatter my heart, which is very likely to happen anyway.
At least he wasn't drunk. I don't think . I'm going to feel SUPER shitty if he's another Brad, or Chad. Crap. WHAT HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO?!
It's okay. Don't panic. He likes you. You know this. At least he made you think you know this. DO YOU KNOW THIS?
No. But you're going to take the chance. You are. Because he's a good guy. He's smart, he's sweet and talented and sexy, and giving, and snuggly. He laid there and scratched you back for HOUSE, and watched you sleep. Boys that are looking for ass don't do that. Boys that are looking for something more do. Boys that care. Care about me.
Can I be in a relationship with him? It's long distance...but I think it'd be worth it. Would he think it was? Does he? Has he thought about THAT at all? Does he want to date me? Or just sleep with me? Seems like a risky move for the friendship if you weren't willing to at least give a relatioship a shot. Hmm.
When should I talk to him about this? Should I? Or should I just keep my mouth shut and hope for the best. The best being him.
Nick. There. I said it. I want to be with Nick. Is that so wrong? |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 2nd, 2004|10:13 pm] |
Well, you know how I was being critisized for being paranoid? Turns out I had a damn good reason...as in HE DIDN'T EVEN REMEMBER ME! Goddammit.
And, more than anything right now, I want to take a traquilizer. Or slit my wrists, but in the across the road, not down the street sort of way. Or maybe put a bullet between my eyes. All three? Meh.
And, Tyler is a tease, because I say all I want is a big tranquilizer, to take so I can NOT thing or move for the rest of the weekend. And he says I shouldn't do that...and I tell him not to worry, cause I don't know where to get tranquilizers anyway. And he says he could get me some, but won't because he doesn't want to aid in my self destruction.
And, daddy called tonight, while I was at work...and asked why I was so grumpy. And I told him I didn't want to talk about it. And he starts asking questions. Mom does the SAME damn thing when I talk to her ten minutes later. I say I'm fine. She knows I'm not. She tells me I don't have to tell her what's wrong, but to just admit that I'm not fine. So, okay. I'm not fine. And then she asks what's wrong...and I hurt her feelings when I tell her I don't want to talk about it.
I don't want to talk about it cause it's stupid. It's my fault. I'm stupid. I should have known better, and my lapse in judgement has gotten me here. In a place where I have panic attacks at work, and rake my nails up my forarm, leaving horrible welts, that look like track marks.
I tell daddy not to try to delve too far into my psyche tonight, I promise I won't put a bullet into my head between now and the next time I see him. But, I only half mean that. I mean, I know I won't actually do it. But, God knows I want to.
And now it's gonna be a case of the fake people. Hoo-fuckin-ray! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 29th, 2004|10:39 pm] |
--I'm keeping this one COMPLETELY anonymous. I have another one, but I'm not telling any of those "friends" about it. But, do feel free to add me as a friend, and comment your advice here.
You know what's funny? I find myself in these situations that in my head screams no. NO NO NO!!! And then I open my mouth expecting that two letter word to tumble out. No. N-O. No. It's easy. It's the first thing that you ever learn to say. No. So, what can't I say it? Why can't I say no? I can think it. I can rolli t around in my head, and in my mouth...but, as soon as I open my mouth, no comes out sounding like okay. Okay. I don't even use a more positive YES! Just Okay. And that's apparently okay too...cause they always say okay; and keep doing what they're doing. I reach over and hand them one of those little square packets from my dresser drawer. 'Are you a slut?' some ask me. No. I'm just prepared. But, I guess the answer to that question, just like the rest of them is okay. Not no. Okay.
And then I find myself mad at myself for not saying no. Why didn't you just say it, why? Why do you say okay? No is easier to say. It only has one syllable. Okay is much more complext. It has two. You're supposed to do thinkgs in the simplest terms. It's much more efficient that way. Save your breath. Say no. You lungs will thank you. And so will your mental state.
And God forbid you actually start to LIKE one of these people you say okay to. You get so confused. The last time you said no because you liked them...they never called you again. So, this time you don't say no, and they still don't call you. It's only Tuesday. Don't be such a pessimist. OKay. I acn't help it. Can Not. Can't Not. Maybe he will, or maybe he'll be just like the other ones, and make me think he likes me when he doesn't. Dammit. I liked Dave. I said no. He stopped calling. I liked Chad. I said no. He stopped calling. I like Brad. I said okay. He hasn't called. It's only Tuesday. It's only Tuesday. It's only Tuesday. He said it wasn't a one night stand. He said it. He asked for my number, cause i was hot and fun and funny and he like me the second he saw me. But, he didn't answer the phone when I called. But he didn't answer when I called from Sara's phone either. I'm a crackhead. I know this. But, I just want to have someone to cuddle with at night, and someone who will give me a hug when I'm doing the dishes. And someone who will offer to rub my feet after I work a double. And someone to make me laugh. He's good at that. Jerk. How can I say he's a jerk when I like him? I don't know. How can I say okay when I really mean no?
I make no sense. No sense. Nonsense.
.....and then phone starts ringing....... |
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